someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
