I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
