That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
