you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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