You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
