Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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