can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
