Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
