Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
