Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i love accidental penises.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
