im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
