I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
