Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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