i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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