I just threw up on my dentist
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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