Don't make out with my wife yet
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
