If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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