U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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