Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
