Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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