his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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