i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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