i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
