I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
