Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
