I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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