Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
