call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize