you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize