How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
