I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
