Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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