If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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