y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
