hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
