ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
