I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
