Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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