Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
