True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
