She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
