I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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