The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
