I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
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