I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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