I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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