I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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