So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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