You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
