Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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