Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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