I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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