ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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