Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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