...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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