when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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