i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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