Me. At least after what I've been through.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The air was thick with penises
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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