Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
