I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
