Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
