But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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