chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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