Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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