He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
