I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize