Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
