Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Couch. On fire.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
